He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
