I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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