I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
