Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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