the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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