Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
