i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.