We won't sleep together?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
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I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
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Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.