Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
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He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
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I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.