Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I could fuck to npr.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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