I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you made out with another girl for some wings
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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