you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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