no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
