Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
