I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
