I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
All I want is dick and wine.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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