my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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