When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
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Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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