I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
