You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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