He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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