I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
