You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
