I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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