i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize