i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
