So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
