I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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