Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think I am morally bankrupt
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
