I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
