fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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