His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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