i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize