Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
