he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
