I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
