I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
