how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
