Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
