Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
even my farts smell like vagina
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
