no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
