seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
