So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
