Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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