I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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