Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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