Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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