I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
