I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
thus making me awesome and them whores
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
