just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
