My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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