seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
