I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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