I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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