i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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