How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
