when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize