Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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